* This blog is for entertainment purposes only. I do not endorse or condone murder of any kind. Do not try this at home! *
Some people think murder is the solution to their problems. It could be rage, jealousy, passion, money, ego, gang related or even fun – but most likely a combination of reasons. According to a 2018 FBI report, approximately 39% of cases classified as homicide in the United States went unsolved in 2017. The FBI defined a case as ‘solved’ when there was an arrest and charge laid against an alleged murderer as well as deceased perpetrators and those who cannot be extradited. Thirty-nine percent is a figure I did not anticipate when researching this blog. I wonder if I even need to give any advice on how to get away with murder – people already seem to be so good at it. Then again, the FBI did not release any stats on how many ‘unsolved’ cases had prime suspects and mounting evidence. The purpose of the 7 steps I will share today is meant to avoid any detection whatsoever.
1 Give Up Your Morals And Values
Just about every modern society frowns upon murder. Unless you grew up in an extremist environment, it is likely the act of murder is something you know is wrong. The penalties are exceptionally high if you get caught and that reflects how such behavior is viewed. One thing you will have to do to get away with murder is give up your morals and values. You may have tried to convince yourself that you just don’t care or that it is the right thing to do but deep down you know it is wrong. You have to free yourself from that way of thinking and revert back to your animal instincts. Animals kill each other all the time without a care in the world. Surely one of the last things you want to experience after committing a murder is feeling guilty about it.
2 Don’t Kill Anyone You Know
If everyone followed this rule, the murder rate would all but disappear. Homicide detectives investigate possible suspects from the inside out – starting with relatives, friends and business associates – and almost all murders are carried out by someone in one of those categories. This rule will unfortunately eliminate just about any benefit you would otherwise gain from the murder, unless you are doing it for the experience. Only a truly dedicated murderer will observe this practice.
3 Don’t Shit Where You Eat
This one is part and parcel to rule number two. Don’t commit murder near your place of residence. If homicide detectives rule out anyone who knows the victim or simply have no leads, they will expand their investigation to people who live in the area. It may be more convenient for you to only have a 5 minute walk home after all your hard work, but you will inevitably bring a lot of heat down in your own backyard. Think of it like parking your car at the far end of the mall parking lot. It’s a pain in the ass, but you get a little exercise out of it.
4 Keep It Clean
Newsflash: It’s not 1922 anymore. With the advancement of technology, so goes the advancement of forensic investigations. With everyone and their mother paying to give their genetic code to DNA banks, you can’t afford to leave any of yours behind at the scene. This will reduce how many options you will have at your disposal to snuff out a life. Instead of bashing brains out with a hammer, slicing a throat or shooting someone, try using a cord made of non-fibrous, non-porous material like plastic or vinyl and have a good old fashioned strangling. Make sure you wear some fairly heavy gloves but don’t overdo it or you will lose some dexterity. Wearing a hair net is ideal, however shaving all you body hair with a Gillette razor is the safest route to go. Tip to the wise – always strangle from behind but be aware of flailing hands with fingernails that can capture even the smallest of DNA samples. Wear a robust protective covering on your head such as a hockey mask or football helmet. A motorcycle helmet with a face shield is preferred as it will also help keep your identity private.
5 Practice Makes Perfect
How is it that serial killers get away with so many murders before they get caught? They practiced their craft before going out in the field. Animals are the perfect crash test dummies for murder. It is also an easy way to get rid of an annoying neighborhood dog or your lazy cat that yawns when you try to play with it. Jeffrey Dahmer knew this and so did Ted Bundy. Spend more time alone in a forest and practice on whatever mammal you can find. You will know you are ready when you can sneak up on a deer and do the deed. Please note that this does not mean you must become a serial killer. See rule number six.
6 One Will Suffice
The more often you commit murder, the greater your odds of getting caught. Multiple murderers become complacent, get sloppy and end up getting caught for stupid reasons. Case and point John Muhammad and Lee Malvo, the DC Snipers who arbitrarily shot people from the trunk of their car. They did so without impunity for several months and in different states. How did they get caught? They left a note for police at a crime scene telling them to investigate another crime at a certain location. When the cops arrived there they found a magazine with Lee’s fingerprint on it. The rest is history. The bottom line here is to commit one murder and get away with it. Scratch it off your bucket list then move on.
7 Keep Your Mouth Shut
This one should be obvious but for some people the urge to brag about what they have done far outweighs any possible consequence. I can never get enough of the stories I read about burglars, robbers and other criminals posting braggadocio posts on their Facebook account only to get busted a few hours later. Morons. Never confide in anyone as they will do the same. Eventually word will get around and when the police start knocking, your secrets are on CNN. Suffer the loneliness of only you knowing what you have done.
There are only two types of people reading this. Those who thought it may be funny and entertaining and those who are sincerely searching about how to get away with murder. If you fall into the latter category, I suggest you seek professional psychiatric help or better yet, contact your local authorities and inform them of your nasty intentions. Regardless of the FBI report, you will most likely get caught if you try to do it, so don’t bother. Besides, even though you are a terrible person, you probably have someone or something to live for.